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I like to think of myself as a smart one, but it turns out I am not so clever at times. Some people have awesome epiphanies. I, on the other hand, have my own less awesome epiphanies. Over the last 3 years I have realized the meanings to the words "Bean sprout" (the sprout of a bean), "Pancake" (Literally a cake in a pan) and just yesterday I realized the connection between the words "Move" and "Remove" (Turns out it means to move again)... I do not understand how I can grasp the concepts of science so well, and even understand Hawking books yet can be blown away by "Remove". I guess in the words of Tom Petty I am just "a complex kid".
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General update. Wow, that is 3 people I have sent to the hospital (not including myself)... not too bad. Once again it was not my fault, just someone pushing it to the limit. At least this time nobody is blaming me. Work is bullshit. I do not get paid enough for working my ass off and having to deal with all the heat and douchbaggery from people. The awesome boss, the tips and Leslie are the only reasons I am staying. The extreme heat and constant drama and shit said behind people's backs is ridiculous. Everyone bitches about every little thing in their lives to me on a daily basis. I was addicted to coke and I had a baby on the way but they did not hear me complaining. I do not give a shit if your phone is getting disconnected because your parents did not send you the money for it. Suck it up and save some money. Yup, so I am in love w/ someone who once again is not single. She flirts w/ me on a daily basis, we make each other blush all the time and she told me she missed me when she did not see me for one day. I am crazy about her but once again my feelings are not relevant. Oh well... in the words of Tupac: "Life goes on". P.S.- I LOST!
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Let's truce. In the words of Dr. Dre: "I ain't even speakin' your name. Just keep my name outta your mouth and we can keep it the same". We will not be friends, but we don't need to be enemies.
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Yup, just as the subject suggests: I am great. 1) I have been watching friends do cocaine and not craving it at all. I am fucking glad, it took long enough to stop thinking about it. I know I will have to stay away from it forever, that is the only part that it hard to get my head around. I do not want to do it now, but years down the road if it is offered to me I will have to reject it. I was spending upwards of 80+ dollars a day before. I know if I do a line of the blow I will be right back to where I was. 2) My tattoo is finally healed enough so I do not have to baby it with moisturizer all the time and worry about it getting wet in the shower. I love my tattoo a lot. I know I will end up getting the other illusion on the right wrist soonish, it feels empty already. I have a thing about symmetry (hence my love of palindromes) which is why I plan on getting the right side of my lip done soonish too, seeing as how I already have the left side done. 3) I am not currently beefin' w/ anyone. The one person whom seemed to be the bane of my existence for months and I have been civil and had a deep conversation for once. It feels good to not have an ill relationship or negative feelings towards anyone. It was been too many months since I have felt this way. 4) I am getting better at skateboarding and go skating almost every night if it is not wet outside. I am not a prodigy by any means but I am good enough to have fun with it now and not fall down (unless I attempt tricks other than a manual or a little spacewalk). 5) The good computer is back and working so I do not have to use Courtney's shitty one. I can charge my MP3 player now w/o unplugging the external hard drive or the mouse. I was able to watch Hellraiser and Candyman finally. I fucking love old horror movies. 6) I am not anti- social anymore, I hang out with my roommates, go down to Sally's place and up to Shea's. I went over to the place that two of my co-workers share, had some beers and hung out with them. One of these Sundays coming up I am going fishing with some cool people. So yeah... all in all I am pretty fucking swell and not an emotional wreck anymore. There are still minor things like still having all my ex's belongings here and her still owing me money (which she actually has about 1/4 of for me now), but these are just minor inconveniences. I'll manage seeing her stuff for a bit longer and if I do not get the money from her in a short amount of time it is not like I am going to be bankrupt, at least she doesn't still owe me 600 dollars.
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Bill Nye can split atoms with his bare hands. Bill Nye's sperm count is measured in moles/milliliter. Bill Nye knows the momentum of an electron... AND where it is. Bill Nye decides if Schroedinger's cat is alive or dead. Bill Nye carries the fountain of youth around in a Klein Bottle in his back pocket. Bill Nye knows more than Laplace's Demon. Bill Nye is the only person who is allowed in the lab area without goggles. Bill Nye can decrease his own entropy without doing work. Bill Nye is more efficient than a reversible process. Bill Nye can rhyme seven words with orange. All uniform rectilinear motion is relative. To Bill Nye. Bill Nye's absorption spectrum falls on every wavelength. Bill Nye's probability wave exists evenly throughout the universe. He collapses the wave where and when HE choses to. Bill Nye can make a quadruple carbon-carbon bond. Bill Nye destroyed the Berlin Wall with common household chemicals. Bill Nye challenged a photon to a race in a vacuum and won. Bill Nye tutors Stephen Hawking. Santa Claus will soon begin contracting all gift giving to Bill Nye. Good children will receive gyroscopes, and bad children will have the thermite reaction initiated on their face. Superman once told Bill Nye that he was completely indestructible, this led to Bill creating what he likes to call kryptonite. Bill Nye blinded Thomas Dolby with science. Bill Nye was Galileo's personal tutor. The culminating assignment was to give a presentation on gravitational attraction to the Spanish Inquisition. Bill flunked him. Galileo was so beat up over it that when the Inquisition offered him poison, he took it. Stephen Hawking once thought he could outsmart Bill Nye. We all know what happened when he tried. Avogadro's Number is actually a misnomer since Bill Nye discovered it when asked to provide a PIN for his checking account. Some people can recite the first few thousand digits of pi. Bill Nye can recite the last thousand digits of pi. Bill Nye makes his ice cream using milk, cream, sugar, and cold fusion. The anime Full Metal Alchemist was actually a true story involving Bill Nye. Bill Nye drinks water with ice cubes that read at below 0 Kelvin. Bill Nye doesn't come to equilibrium. Equilibrium comes to Bill Nye. There is no chaos theory. Only Bill Nye's desire for change. Bill Nye is more efficient than a Carnot engine.
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I saw you many times since we were 1st introduced. I fell in love the moment we met years ago at Daniela's party, I still love you and always will. You will never leave my heart. I almost cried today, tears of sorrow when I realized that I will never see you again and tears of happiness for the great times we have had. At one time I wanted to have your kids, now it will never happen. I cannot say that there was never pain involved, why just over our last 2 visitations this weekend you are to blame for many bruises, the re-breaking my nose and 2 minor black eyes. I know you didn't mean for that to happen, I knew the risks and you were just making me happy. In preparation, of my last time seeing you I dressed up. I wore an over-sized sombrero and a hoodie with your name on it. Right before we departed I told you how much I love you and how much you mean to me, you smiled in merriment and thanked me for always being there. It meant a lot to me. I will never forget the look of you or your harmony. You have changed over the years, but I love you as much now as I did then. It was not a change for the worse or the better. You used to be rougher but now you are mellow. I loved seeing you when you would show both sides. I will never forget you and how you have changed my life. In your immortal words: "I'll hold these days forever". 
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I ended up sending someone a pretty civil e-mail when I was in the bad mind space. I guess it seemed I blamed this person and my friends for all my problems, I didn't mean to make it seem that way at all. I blame myself for being fucked in the head and do not blame my cocaine dependence on my friends what-so-ever. Oh well, the recipient of the e-mail and I never talked anyways, no big loss, I still get my mad scrilla she owes me. Speaking of the mad scrilla owings, I had a dream I savagely beat this person on the tracks in Chester because they owed me the money for a year (luckily it has only been about 6 months since I have seen any money from her)... Some say "You cannot hit girls, it is wrong." Well I say "Equal rights means equal consequences. If some guy owed me in the range of 400 dollars for a year I would hit them." So all in all I am pretty swell. I am glad I am not feeling like I was and as for the person who got my e-mail: Whateves. I'm not missing out on much not talking to her. I get my scrill and that's what matters. We may be cool again in the future because in the words of Tupac "We was home boys once Pig. Once we home boys, we always home boys. Even if you is a fat phony."
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You play me like my name's Sega. Yet make me feel like the E.T. game for Atari. P.S.- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E.T._the_E
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http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.n
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Back to "Tha OG Three". So, at one point we had 5 people living in this 1 bedroom apartment. Then a legendary day of change came. One day (about 4 weeks ago)I had enough of the lazy, couch sleeping, non rent paying creature named Jimbo, and preceded to throw his shit down the stairs, as you can imagine a verbal fight broke out. I won. Then that night I was thinking about my relationship with Courtney and I decided to end the relationship, but I thought that in the future it could have flourished again, I just needed some time by myself. As I informed Shawn about this future break up he asked me if I was sure because he had to tell me something. He then informed me that Courtney had cheated on me... my heart and soul broke right there and then. I came home and broke it off with her, and told her that I have no trust for her anymore. It still hurts a lot because I gave her everything I could, but even that was not enough. She moved out on Sunday, now it is just the 3 of us again. Philnilla, Lil' Webby and I.
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Tupac Amaru Shakur (June 16th, 1971- September 13, 1996) put it well in the first line of his song Hellrazor by stating: "Hell motherfuckin' yeah". I am doing Fuckin' A. I need not see my counsellor for a month and I am reading this book called "The Power of Now". The book has a sort of Buddhist quality to it. It is all about separating yourself from your mind, past your emotions to what is beyond them: true love and joy. The love that most people experience and the happiness that is felt will undoubtedly lead to sorrow. The key is all about realizing when you are pissed about something just to notice consciously that you are making yourself pissed. Do not sorry about the future or the past, just live in the now and except the curve balls that life throws you. Tool had it right many times when they sang, "All this pain is an illusion" (Parabola) and "Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind. Withering my intuition, leaving all these opportunities behind" (Lateralus). One major attraction to this book is that it may be all about self-searching and the like but it does not dismiss God in anyway. It tells you how you can incorporate God into the scheme of things. Other reasons why I am feeling joy right now is that one of my close friends and I are getting off of the rocky situation we were in and back onto the sand as it were. I told her some stuff that I had bottled up for a while and she apologized, I harbour no resentment whatsoever. Also 2 of my friends who I have not seen in about 5 years are coming down for March Break, this means I'll have to cut my stay with Mum a little short but she will not mind in the least because she knows how much these people used to mean to me. My marks are better; I am feeling a hell of a lot less stress and genuinely doing much fucking better. This is a great time in my life. The only thing stressing me out is the craving for cigarettes that I have started smoking again. I will however quit once this pack is done (I know, I know... you've heard it before, but I am serious this time. It is a gross habit.)
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I am bored so I have decided to update is Spanish today, this happens to be my favorite language in the world. If you even try to translate this send me a message so I know that you tried. Sigh, but even if you try to traslate this it probably will not make sense due to the fact that the translators online suck, but you will be able to get the jist of it. If you have any questions just ask me.This is really the happiest than I have been in a while. Since I began to see my counsellor I have been doing far better. He gave me sheets on anxiety and cognitive disorders me. I have learned to control my anxiety by noticing when I am stressing out, calming down and I can figure out what thoughts caused me to strees out like that . I have begun to smoke more again, but really it is the lesser of two evils compared to pills. I think for the March Break that I going to Lockeport with Moriah or if she decides not to go than I will go to Halifax with Kurtis Warren who I have not seen by 4 years. If I go to Lockeport than I will still be able to see him anyway, so really it just means a little more time with him if I do not go to Lockeport. Last time I went to the Shore I had my second encounter with Terry Mosher (first time Smith introduced mel as Will), this time I was introduced as Nick.The result was just as the first time: he never wants me to go to his house again. |
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Me aburren así que he decidido ponerme al día en español, él sucedo ser mi lengua preferida en el mundo. Si usted incomoda el intentar traducir esta licencia yo un mensaje así que sé que usted intentó. Apesadumbrado, pero incluso si usted intenta al traslate esto no probablemente sentido del amke debido al hecho de que los traductores en línea aspiran, pero usted podrá conseguir la idea de ella. Si usted hace que algunas preguntas apenas me pregunten.Éste es realmente el más feliz que he estado en un rato.Mane puesto que comencé a ver a mi consejero que he estado haciendo mucho mejor. Él me dio las hojas en ansiedad y desórdenes cognoscitivos. He aprendido controlar mi ansiedad notando que estoy tensionando hacia fuera, me estoy calmando abajo y estoy pudiendo calcular fuera de lo que me hicieron los pensamientos conseguir tensionado todo hacia fuera. He comenzado fumar más otra vez, pero realmente es los menos de dos males comparados a las píldoras. Pienso para la rotura de marcha que o voy a Lockeport con Moriah o si ella decide no ir que iré a Halifax con Kurtis Warren que no he visto por 4 años. Si voy a Lockeport que conseguiré verlo de todos modos, tan realmente acaba de significar un poco más rato con él si no voy a Halifax. Vez última fui a la orilla que tenía mi segundo encuentro con Terry Mosher (primera vez a Smith me introduje como Will), solamente a este vez me introdujeron pues el resultado de Nick.The era igual que la primera vez: él nunca quisiera que fuera a su casa otra vez. Ningún sudor de mi parte posteriora sin embargo, deseo solamente ir allí para BCW de todos modos.
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So, on the 7th of January I intentionally consumed a copious amount of pills with quite a bit of booze. The final tally was something like this: Temazepam: 15 Tylenol 3: ~20 Antihistamines: 4 Effexor XR: 9 TOTAL: ~48 Well since that day I have been doing better than I was but still I am depressed almost everyday, I do not think I'll try to kill myself again but nothing in life is certain anyways. It still crosses my mind quite a bit but I resist it. I understand that I am important to others but the problem is that I am not important to myself. I am plagued with self image problems, and fucking low self esteem. I personally think I am a piece of shit and if it weren't for one special person telling all the time that she loves me and telling me that I am not worthless I do believe I'd be dead. I have recently doubted my beliefs that I have had all my life up to this point. I was convinced that there was no fucking "Higher Power" up there who created this planet. Since my near death experience I have thought though: "Why the fuck am I alive? Why did my friends choose to call the 5-0 even though they were all drunk and on shrooms?" These questions and some other happenings have caused me to do some self searching and research. I have decided to read the Bible. It is good, a shit load better than I expected it to be. I am not saying that I believe in all the Bible, just now I do not think the idea of a Creator is that unreasonable. I still think that we have free will to do whatever the fuck we want, that there is no heaven or hell and that when I die "That's all folks". I do however believe that even though we have free will that sometimes "God" (whatever you choose to call him: Allah, Lord, God, etc. It's all the same) does lend a helping hand in some cases. I still believe that all the stories in the book are only that: stories in a book. Therefore I guess you could say that I believe that the Holy Bible is nothing more than a story book. However, like other story books, it is full of good ideas and messages. Every story and chapter has countless morals in it that you should think about in your day to day life. It may not have all the things I loved about stories with morals when I was younger, for example there are no turtles racing rabbits, no other cute cuddly animals, no rhyming or alliteration. Instead there are floods, whole cities getting fucked, people sold into slavery, genocide, etc. I read it for a couple hours straight the other day because I enjoy the stories so much. The 7 Deadly Sins and the 10 Commandments in my opinion are just things that if everyone followed the world would be a much better place. So basically I am generally confused, I do not know if my life is even worth living, I'm not even sure if I believe in a "Higher Power".
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contemplative
complacent
apathetic
Nerdy
amused
Dear Santa...
confused